the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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