i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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