you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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