I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
