If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
