also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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