What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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