She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
