Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
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she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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