I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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