my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
