Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
