The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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