there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
