he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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