i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
