I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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