Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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