so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
