I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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