how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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