It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
