Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Randomize
