I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
