i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
