what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
