I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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