Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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