you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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