Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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