My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
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true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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