its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
