I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
