You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
