Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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