seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
