This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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