i would punch a child for taco bell
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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