Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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