The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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