yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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