god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
