I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
