I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We have started to decorate penises.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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