Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
