Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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