my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
