party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
