Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
