I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
