u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
