My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
