The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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