I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
