96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
