3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize