maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
