Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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