sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
